It's coming—a surreal whirlwind of euphoric emotions engulfs me as I realize I'm one step closer to graduating from this university. These four years have been an exhilarating roller coaster ride—not just for me but for all of the Viscans who are about to graduate this year. Each step has brought us closer to the rewarding outcome of our sacrifices and efforts.

However, amidst the joyous anticipation, a tinge of deep melancholy fills my very heart. This place, the very scenic university where I carved countless cherished memories, has become a remarkable part of my college journey…

… and I don’t want to leave just yet.

Revisiting Those Early Days as a Freshman

I still remember my first year as a college freshman—full of curiosity and naivety and embracing the college culture with wide-eyed enthusiasm. Those days went as smoothly as I hoped: I formed close bonds with wonderful friends, achieved satisfactory academic performance, and experienced and enjoyed the VSU events as well as the dormitory life, among other things.

But then the COVID-19 pandemic happened. Classes were abruptly suspended, and we were advised to return to our original homes with the expectation that this would only last a few weeks; however, those few weeks stretched into months and eventually years, forcing us to adapt and navigate our college life through virtual means. Poor unfortunate souls.

The Great Existentialism During the Pandemic

The pandemic was a tough time, and I, like many others, grappled with feelings of loneliness and anxiety. Every day was torture. As a student, being confined during this time while juggling numerous academic responsibilities proved to be an exhausting and challenging experience. 

I even made the decision to overload my academic units during my second and third year so that I could catch up from being an irregular to a regular student (I shifted from ABELS to BSEd during the second semester of my first year, just before the pandemic began), which added a lot of stress and pressure on my part. 

Due to this, I gradually lost interest in my academic responsibilities and even told my parents that I would like to take a gap year or even shift (again) to a new program, but they discouraged me. I found myself deliberately letting my feelings of existentialism consume my soul. The pandemic can really make you think deeply problematic yet funny thoughts like "what's my purpose in life?" or "when am I going to die?" or "I don't want to die without achieving my dreams!" or "I just want to disappear from this world!" Have you ever had one of those?

Also, as an introverted young adult with stage fright, one of the primary reasons I chose an education program was to improve my communication skills and overall confidence in front of people face-to-face. However, the transition to online learning hindered my progress in practicing those skills. The lack of proper training inside an actual classroom and a sense of community only made my feelings of loneliness and self-doubt worsen during this time.

Long story short, I survived those two academic years, but the experience was undeniably traumatic.

Back to Normalcy

Two years later, a mix of emotions swept over me upon learning that in-person classes would finally resume. I felt a sense of joy because the return to a normal college life felt like an opportunity for me to reclaim what the COVID-19 pandemic had taken from us. 

On the other hand, there’s also fear brimming within me because I realized that many of my friends during my first year had already graduated, transferred to other schools, or dropped out of college, so that means I had to start from scratch again, and it’s scary for me because I don’t really do well socially. 

Moreover, being a shiftee, I felt a certain awkwardness around my classmates at that time, as I had barely interacted with them, even during our online classes. The lack of companionship made it very challenging, but I won’t let that stop me.

There’s also a tinge of bittersweetness because this will be my final year of college. As such, I am determined to savor every moment and make the most of my college experience.

Full Plate, No Regrets

Someone told me that I should be serious for my final year of college because this will determine if I can graduate on time or not, and they also told me that my internship will heavily demand a lot of my time. Well, they’re not wrong. Nevertheless, their warning doesn't deter me; in fact, I welcome the busy schedule. I prefer being occupied with anything rather than doing nothing at all.

During my first semester of this school year, I decided to have a lot on my plate. I was involved in three university organizations, namely Amaranth, Baybay Writer's Collective, and Interact Society, and I have to constantly juggle my responsibilities with each of them. Additionally, I took on the role of an assistant baseball coach during the university-wide intramurals, which is something I have never done before, but it’s exciting and new for me, so I accepted it. 

On top of that, I accepted the responsibility of being in charge of the webpage for our dormitory. All of these are happening while I’m conducting my field study for my upcoming practice teaching internship. The most challenging part was directing the Sunod short film for Amaranth, which turned out to be a grueling experience that took a month to finish, but that’s another story for another time.

During my second semester, I had a busy schedule as I juggled my practice teaching internship at Caridad National High School with my extracurricular pursuits. Despite the workload, I still managed to have fun, create art, and make memories. I took pride in directing another short film and a music video during this time.

Though I missed the daytime activities during the 99th VSU anniversary (my first and last ever), I was grateful that my cooperating school was nearby, allowing me to participate in the evening activities. Additionally, I enthusiastically joined the University Interdormitory Student Body's sportsfest (my first and last too), where I participated in a game of frisbee, CoDM, and even served as a photographer for ULC (United Lower Campus) throughout the event. Although it was tiring, I never regretted being actively involved.

I am also delighted to have had the opportunity to make new friends this school year. I have developed close bonds with some of my classmates and roommates. Plus, working alongside my co-members in the three organizations I’ve been in has been an absolute joy. The camaraderie and sense of community that I craved during the pandemic had been fulfilled. However, this realization has also struck me with sadness, knowing that these will all be short-lived.

Basically, I made it my goal to check off items from my list of what to do at this university before I bid farewell. I already went on an adventure to Temptation Island with my friends, experienced swimming at Hydro, and even had a date at the VSU beach, among other things. I feel like time is quickly running out, and I am eager to make the most of my remaining days here.

The Thirst and Hunger For More

As I reflect on my time at university, a mix of pride and dread washes over me. I managed to achieve many things on my list, but deep down, it’s still not enough. A year and a half of college life wasn't enough for me (I don't really count those two years during the pandemic). The memories I've created are precious, yet I can't help but feel that I could have explored and given much more.

I already find myself yearning for those little mundane moments that make up the fabric of my daily life on campus. The laughter and stories shared with friends during breaks, the stress of managing academic responsibilities—I already miss those moments. The dormitory life and the joy of Friday night sessions with my dormmates are also some of the memories that bring a smile to my face.

I don’t want to leave just yet because I still crave for new experiences and connections. I want to meet new people at this university. I want to contribute to my organization even more and spend time with my co-members because I love the feeling of us coming together for a common cause. 

How I also miss the feeling whenever I go to the beach at the lower campus—I want to relish those moments of blissful escape once more. The simple pleasure of leisurely walking within the campus as I feel the refreshing breeze and the beautiful serenity of the university—it’s always wonderful, and I want to experience it again. The marketplace (where my allowance always went) and the vibrant Viscan community are also some of the things I will surely miss.

What If?

My friends often teased me about dropping a subject or intentionally failing so I can return to school next year. While I know they're just joking around, I can't deny that I entertain the thought. I always have a fear of missing out. I feel like I'm not quite prepared to leave just yet, as my college life has started to become enjoyable.

Sometimes, I find myself haunted by these "what if?" questions that constantly cloud my mind, like "what if I took that gap year?" or "what if I didn’t overload my units during the pandemic?". However, each time those questions arose, my mind always prepared some counterarguments, like that I wouldn’t be graduating with Latin honors if I didn’t overload or that I would just disappoint my parents if I took that gap year because they aren't getting any younger. 

One Last Goodbye

Perhaps I expressed these long thoughts because the thought of entering the real world after college scares me. I know that being a student is far easier compared to being an adult in the real world, where we have to navigate our path, forge plans, and work tirelessly to make ends meet. Maybe I’m too much of a coward to face this kind of reality. Maybe…

I’m aware of my selfishness, but it's really difficult to say goodbye when you're enjoying yourself so much. Nonetheless, I am grateful for the memories I've made and the people I've met during my short time here. As I move forward into the real world, I will forever carry the essence of this place within me.

I am here, and then I was here...

… but I wish I were still here.