First, I have to know what has been done. I must assess the extent of the damage, to gauge how much I can tolerate being in this situation. Then, I would pray that at the very least, you feel a little responsible. But then, I would ponder which of us bears the greater fault.
Second, I would have to hate you. It's a standard procedure, nothing personal. Well... scratch that, everything has felt personal for as long as I can remember. I'd despise seeing your initials written on any surface. I'd roll my eyes at the mere mention of your name, even if it had nothing to do with you. And then, I'd blame you for every misfortune, every doubt, and every insecurity, until all I have left to offer is my angst. It's not difficult to start hating someone, but it's equally challenging to maintain that hatred, as if you wished you never had to hate them in the first place.
Third, I would have to remember everything. In my case, 'everything' includes you, and that's where the hard part comes in. I'd reminisce on the big moments, and dwell on the little things. I'd see traces of you in other people's faces and compare the ways you captured my attention. I'd be haunted by the fear that perhaps having you was my only chance at happiness, and I'd be bored enough to recount my life to strangers, just like how we started back then.
Afterward, my sense of worth would drop. I'd question the purpose of 'this' and bargain for mere scraps of joy. I'd jot down notes about you on my phone so frequently that even my keyboard has your surname automated. I'd attempt to find someone else who could almost replicate the thrill, but it would always leave me empty. And on top of all that, I'd have to be stupid to try and check your feed to see how good your life has been. I'd cross my fingers, hoping that this all fades away after a good night's sleep, and that when I wake up, my life would be better too.
And because I'm human, I'd cry. Not because I'm weak, but because I know that no matter how much I've been hurt, I'll always find it in my heart to forgive you, just as easily as I'll find it in me to love you. Truth be told, I wouldn't have realized the depth of my pain until I remembered your honesty, which I took for granted; for that, I’m sorry.
Finally, I'll realize that in the end, the reason why I ended up hurting was because this was meant to happen in the first place. Life wanted it to happen, and I could argue that forgiving you was the best takeaway this could give me, but no; it's knowing that my strength allowed me to settle and let things be, and see you happy. Did you ever feel the same way? I guess we’d never know. Even if someone did me wrong, I owe it to myself to never linger, because I can’t fault you on this feeling forever. Thus, I can't blame this all on you, I'd have to keep these questions unanswered if I wanted to just leave in peace.
But please know that if it were just anyone else, it would be a different story, but this is how I wanted to forgive you; or rather this is how I want to forgive someone who was never really sorry in the first place.
Finally, after doing all that, repeating it a hundred times or so, I'd have to wait until I can finally forgive myself.