June of 2023, my Graduation Day, was the last time I was to walk the hallowed halls of my dear High School. June of 2023 was the last time I would ever see the people I’ve confided in over the years.
June of 2023 would be the last time I’ll ever hear my real name.
My first semester in Visayas State University was one I feared when the prospects of college really set in. I always aimed for a life in Manila in one of the Top 4 Unis, together with my friends mucking about in one of the many organizations Queer People have set up to protect each other with; alas I was not blessed with the capital required for the Green nor the Blue. And so, away from those who truly knew me, in an environment I never learnt to explore, I consigned myself to a life hidden in plain sight.
At first, I found it to be quite fine. It took a while to get used to being called **** instead of Anne. Whenever it got bad, I simply hit up my friends to remind me of who I truly am, like a distant anchor keeping me in place even when out of sight. At times, I even felt safe enough to consider coming out to certain classmates, but the amount of homophobic and even transphobic jokes I cracked to stay hidden always assured me of the opposite. In my mind, I had to keep myself in a mold, to act in a way diametrically opposed to my true nature to protect myself from social ostracization.
And so, I had my head shaved clean like the army guys had. With my in-group I cracked jokes I’d normally chase people off for cracking, justifying to myself that I didn’t really mean it. It was a grave I dug deeper and deeper, a mold I started to hate as I started to embody everything I ever hated about myself. It got to the point that, even under nonexistent pressure, I started to do more heinous things, like discriminating against other people like myself for the simple crime of existing, setting myself into a path of self-destruction that my highschool friends desperately tried pulling me out of. I even denied my girlfriend’s existence, for the simple crime of existing as I existed.
I became the monster I always hated, choosing to burn bridges in the service of the skin of a person I never even was to begin with. All I ever knew by then was hate. I hated the University, I hated society, I hated the world, and I hated myself. I lost my friends, I almost lost the person I loved dearly, and I lost myself.
I started feeling little more than an empty husk pretending to be a person, I didn’t have anything I really liked, anyone I cared about enough, I barely had enough energy to even get up, let alone live. I started missing classes intentionally, refusing to study, nor even do projects I deathly need to. What grades I once had to put me on track to graduating with honors are now dashed as I fail my major subjects, and barely pass my minors. I didn’t want to live, I didn’t think I’d deserve it for what I’ve done.
Then the school year ended. I had nothing left to do, no one else to talk to, but to think with myself.
Looking back, it all seemed so simple now. What rightful anger I had at the unfairness of the world, I embraced it wholeheartedly, letting it consume me. My anxieties, my insecurities, I had manifested them myself. All my fears I made true in an attempt to justify all that I’ve done to prevent them; All because I forgot the most crucial part of living, the base emotion that defined my sexuality, and every aspect of my being—I forgot what it meant to love.
I don’t want to be a man. I never wanted to be a man. I’m not going to destroy myself just to be the worst kind of man I can think of. People have loved me for who I am, people still love me for who I used to be, and who I could still be.
Why should I destroy myself for people who’d never accept me, when I can simply build myself up for the people I love, and the people who love me?
I will never be able to take back the crimes I’ve done against the people I called my friends, but I can keep their teachings with me and make sure they’re not in vain after all.
So this pride month, I will be better, for the people who would stand with me in solidarity. I will be better, for the people I love