For almost a month that I have stayed in VSU, I’ve always kept my feelings hidden, and set aside my true emotions because I have this certain notion that the world is much too busy to listen to my melodramatic lines.
I may smile and laugh a lot, but deep inside, I have mixed emotions. Although I may not show it, I’m breaking into pieces inside.
When I remember the day I arrived here, together with my mom, I was really excited and full of hope. The fact that this will be my first time, frightens me. Being alone changed my mood. I didn’t realize that until the moment that I had to accompany my mother to the terminal. I didn’t know what’s gotten into me, that I felt a rush of blood. I was very sweaty, and my heart was beating fast. My mother was leaving me.
I wanted to stop the bus but I controlled myself. As I saw it moving away from my direction, I was standing and thinking blankly the whole time, feeling so foreign in my new surroundings. I’ve felt my heart weigh like a ton but I ignored it until I was walking in the busy street. I had the rush of blood again, and I suddenly found it hard to breathe then the unexpected turnout, a tear flowed down from cheeks. I immediately wiped it out afraid someone might see me.
Suddenly as if the clouds felt what I felt that time, the rain poured. The thundering loud noise was a cue that I’d be drenched. I could see the students scampering away afraid of getting wet but others had their umbrellas.
But somehow I wish that I also have an umbrella to shelter me from the pouring drops of the rain. I don’t know what’s the reason why I didn’t run like the homesickness has numbed all my senses; keeping me from feeling anything or maybe I didn’t have the urge from moving because at that moment I felt so invisible. The rain was poured harder and breeze blew colder. I felt a chill like pain inside of me. Nobody said that it would be easy but I never thought it would be this hard.
I felt that time that the rain is the only one that understood what I really felt and I’m pretty sure that the raindrops were going to conceal my all my tears. Maybe that’s the reason why I felt courageous in showing my true emotions; because I knew nobody could see me or thought I just felt I had to do it.
After gaining my composure I felt the misty air and bold breeze blow again. This time, it has calm all my nerves and it felt good. Maybe this is one of God’s way to test my limitations and how far I will go.